Thoughts thus far in 2009

I've had alot on my mind lately. Seems like so much is starting to go on in my life.

1. This week Alan starts the second block of Police Academy and I'm a little worried this time around. No, not for him. Yes, for me. I am worried I won't be able to handle being pregnant and having a young baby almost a toddler and a 3 year old. I'm so sick most mornings that I can barely get off the couch. Yet, I still seem to survive knowing Alan's will be home within a few short hours to relieve me. Starting Wednesday, that will be no more. For only 5 months, but that's most of this pregnancy.
The frustrating part is that is get no sympathy from mom's (certain moms I will not mention, not my own though) They say that they went through much worse and they survived. That it's nothing what I'm going through. This makes me beyond irritated. I try not to complain but would like a little help sometimes. Mom's have it rough I think and every situation is different. No one can compare each other.
Yes, I am surviving. Without help. But who said this was fun at all. Little do you know I have to say a little prayer or shed a little tear cause its too much to handle. Thanks heavens I have u husband that comes home every night that cares about me more than anyone ever has. That loves me so much. For that I cannot not complain.


2. My beautiful daughter Kymber. Lately I've been thinking about my past and how she came into the world. Maybe I watch a little too much TV on adoption stories and drama sitcoms and maybe it's because I'm pregnant. But I have been thinking about my sister who is not married ( however was married for the first kid and is now divorced) and is on her 2nd kid (different dads) and she is only 20 and it has brought up alot of feeling to me comparing both our situations.
I remember talking to her and explaining to her what I went through.
I was not married when I got pregnant with Kymber and I considered adoption when I found out. But I just couldn't seem to do it. Props goes out to those that do because I don't know how they do it. So we decided to keep her. Best thing I ever did. However I wasn't supposed to really tell anyone and I felt like I was one big secret and almost felt ashamed at some point because I was having her out of wed lock and not married let alone sealed like I had always planned on since I was a kid. I wanted to get married but knew that wasn't the answer to the problems we were having. Good things we didn't because it ended up not working out in the end. Which was for the best I'm sure.
I ended up getting married and sealed to Alan and that was the second best thing I ever did. He helped get through alot of the stuff I was going through and encouraged me to prepared to get sealed. 6 months later we finally were. What a blessing it was. Soon after we got married I got pregnant with our son Xander. It was such a different feeling and I was actually able to announce it from the roof tops instead of having to keep my lips sealed.
Now my point is that every single day I look at Xander and then at Kymber and it breaks my heart to know that Xander was born under the covenant and Kymber wasn't. And she prob wont ever be able to be sealed to us. I feel like I took that away from her. That, she did NOT deserve by any means.
I hate everything she is going through and the confusion she has from getting to now her real dad now and spending time with his family. They are good people and she is one tough and zocial little girl. I just think she's having a hard time and is starting over in testing our boundaries as parents. I imagine it's hard going back and forth even though I do love his family and respect them fully.
I guess I blame myself for it all but know that I must get over it in order to cope.

3. My friends. New and old. I am so grateful for the friends I've acquired this year. Reuniting with old ones and meeting new ones. I do believe that it has been one of the best things for me this past year. I finally let myself get out of the mommy zone and I have never been with such a sweet and caring group of girls. I do love like like sisters. Maybe it is because we are now older and out of high school and are married with kids that makes it seems like it means a whole lot more. Sure, there is drama but very little and for that I am gratefull. So this one goes out to those girls. Yes, all of you who have been there for me through this past year. I'm looking to a whole new year of new and exciting adventures.